Montreat, North Carolina has been and currently is my favorite place. I attend a Christian Conference at Montreat every summer, and within this time, amazing things happen. Every year, the change begins as soon as the church bus crosses the North Carolina border, there is a difference in the air and as we open our windows, the clean crisp air engulf us. We, a group of about 12 high school students and three adults, have been together riding on a bus for the last 20 hours (florida is really, really long) and we are ridiculously excited to be arriving.
My many summers at Montreat have changed me dramatically as a person. The most memorable of years was probably last summer. Last summer I wasn’t a conferee, rather I had been volunteering for the last year and a half to help plan the conference. For that reason I was in Montreat for three amazing weeks rather than just one. I had just broken up with my boyfriends of almost three years and I was really scared, because he can be very violent. It was really hard for me to hurt someone like that, I did not enjoy it at all. But not only that was happening. I also started developing feelings for a girl that I probably shouldn’t have developed feelings for. I came out to my mom over the phone. I decided to completely stop shaving. And although it had been a life-long process, I aspired to become non-judgmental in every aspect.
I don’t really think most of the lessons I have learnt from Montreat really came from the bible or the sermons that I’ve had to sit through, but rather from the people themselves or the experiences that I’ve had. Montreat is a wonderful place to explore and find yourself. Anyway, the whole point of this was to say that I’m going to Montreat in less than 20 days and I am so so excited. I wonder what this year has in store for me!
I get kinda sad when I think of the fact that I don’t have a significant other anymore. No one to hold hangs with, or cuddle, or tell every single little thing of my day to. No one to listen to my feelings. No one to care for and adore.
I think I miss our car rides the most. When the windows are down and the sun was setting. And good music, there was always good music.
But then I remember why I wanted to end the relationship in the first place. We constantly bickered over the stupidest stuff because we just aren’t compatible. He talked about super heroes and video games, I wanted to talk about social change and politics. He didn’t like it when I posted “revealing” pictures on the internet. He promised me trips and gifts that never happened.
But most of all I was hurt over the fact that he never wanted to spend time with me. He told me he liked being “alone”. Yes I totally understand needing your space and time in solitude. But that’s what being alone is, solitude. Not xbox live with your friends.
Anyway, it’s a bummer and it totally sucks because I really liked him but he’s still a cool dude no matter what. He’s a good friend. He was super cool about my body hair and my queerness; although we never discussed it, which was weird, but then again we never really talked about anything because I don’t know he doesn’t like to talk (?). I still think he’s a good guy who maybe has a little growing up to do (but that’s okay because no one is perfect, lord knows I’m definitely fucking not).
I actually don’t really know if I’ll ever stop being nauseous and wanting to die
old APUSH teacher aka best friend gets new job in Pennsylvania
|Me:||Yay I'm so glad!!!|
|Him:||Me too...I'll keep you posted. I'll be in Pa for a week or two till I do my lesson for them|
|Me:||That's cool. I'll just be in South Florida, doing what I do best; being sad, abusing drugs and disappointing people|
I’m fucking tired of feeling unwanted. I’m fucking tired of feeling annoying because I want to see you. God fucking forbid I want to spend time with my significant other and um I don’t know maybe have sex or talk or cuddle. Fuck this
Summer: A list of what I want and plan to do
- slip and slide
- skinny dipping at night
great sex hot boxing scratching myself skipping rocks Montreat <3 beach
I wish I didn’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself
but here I am doing precisely that
I just want to swim in a pool and smoke bowls and get some sun because it’s summer and why not
I’ve been crying for hours and I have a headache/earache and I wish someone was here to run their fingers through my hair and tell me that everything will be okay.
But all I have is a messy room with clothes everywhere and text messages that don’t confort me at all because they are fucking text messages.
Instead of my dad congratulating me for finishing high school, he threatened to kick me out.
Yesterday was pretty great. I rollerbladed for 3.4 miles, stopped at two parks to the read The Fountainhead and smoke a bowl and just rest for a bit.
I plan to rollerblade a lot today as well! I love doing it!
wow at home by myself on a friday night
someone come over, cuddle with me and I’ll smoke you out
the sad thing is that no one is actually going to appear at my doorstep and I’ll remain this lonely for the rest of the night
this is the second time I spill bong water on my floor this week, fuck
spoiler alert: I fucking hate myself
my day fucking sucks and I have so much anxiety that I want to shoot my face off.